A few weeks later….

Thio Smit watched his son carefully.

Ammer was so very like him in so many ways. Oh, he had his mother’s book smarts – not that Thio was a fool, but Ammer had Jaya’s love of learning. True, his was focused on politics, but he had been quite successful in his field, despite all the issues that he had faced.

But Ammer’s book smarts informed his emotional intelligence, not the other way around. He had always been able to read people so well, a gift he’d inherited from Thio. Thio could tell that Ammer was doing his best to placate them, doing his best not to let them worry. He’d just come home to Avalon for a quick vacation before the campaign, that was all. Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.

But Thio and Ammer were very much alike, and Thio could see the pain in the moments when his son let his guard down. There was deep pain there, a wound that had been inflicted upon him. He couldn’t read it, quite –Ammer had a great deal of practice at masking his emotions, after all. But it was there.

And so as dinner wound down, Thio said, “You know, Ammer, it’s ben a while since we took a walk together. You want to walk with me down to Ekmekshi’s? I have a baklava on order for dessert.”

Ammer blinked, and shook his head. He should have known his dad would see right through him. But then, that was half the reason he was home, wasn’t it? In hopes his dad would.

“Sounds great dad. Been a while since I’ve had Ekmekshi’s. I’ll grab my coat.”

* * *

“The cost will be 38 credits.”

“Here you are, much obliged,” said Xene, wincing as she did. How long had it been since she’d said “much obliged?” she thought she’d eliminated it long ago. And to an autocab?

And yet it made sense. As much as she’d tried to avoid this place – it was home. And as she stepped out into the bright yellow sunlight of Nuvokorafia, she found it felt exactly like it had been when she stepped onto an autocab 32 years before, on the way out of here.

Now she was back, and she wasn’t sure why. Well…she knew why. At least, she knew the string of events that had led her here, to a small farm outside Nuvodebga.

She kept hoping that it was a nightmare, or a vision. That she was envisioning all of this in the split second before she grabbed Ammer. That there was a chance to undo what she’d done…but she knew better.

She still didn’t know why she did it. She wasn’t violent. She hadn’t ever hit Inna or Danae when they were growing up; she hadn’t hit them until the moment she slapped Inna, and she’d been provoked — her her daughter called her a racist, how….

Xene choked off the thought. Inna had cause to call her a racist. Far more than Xene had to be offended by it. And no matter what…she shouldn’t have hit her daughter. Especially as it triggered Inna to do the same.

If that had been all, it would have been shameful, but her actions after….

Xene was here on her home planet because she needed answers. She needed to know why she had done what she’d done, not just that night, but all the nights before it – nights spent heaping pressure on her daughters to excel, nights spend demanding Fodis pick up the slack so she could work more, and berating him for being exhausted. She had never attacked them, but she knew in her heart of hearts she’d abused them.

Hells, she’d known it before that night, but she’d rationalized it. Life was hard. She was toughening them up. It wouldn’t be easy, and they wouldn’t have it handed to them. And so she couldn’t go easy on them.

That had been her excuse. But it rang awfully hollow now.

She pressed the door chime, and waited. She swallowed hard. She had been back here, dutifully, every three years since moving to Selana. Drug the family along, and feigned interest.

But as the door opened, she found a gnawing in the pit of her stomach, one that had been gone 32 years.

* * *

“So Ammer made it to Avalon safe?”

“Hm? Yeah. Yeah, Sen. Tarsuss – her friend Taron…he sent me a message, he got in safe, he’s with his family.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

Inna sighed. “His dad’s the best psychologist on Avalon. He won’t treat Ammer, but he’ll find him people who can.”

“People? There are Titan doctors there?”

The silence that greeted Danae’s question caused the student to shake her head. “I’m sorry, Inna…this…it’s still weird. I mean, I’m not like mom, or even dad – this is fine, really, but….”

“…but it’s weird. Yeah, you’ve said. You know what’s weird?” Inna said, getting out of her chair and sending it careering backward in the process. “What’s weird is that Ammer is still talking about getting better so he can come back here. So he can live with us without being scared. What a gorram joke.”

She stormed over to the window, and looked out over Tuaut. She and Ammer were doing well for themselves. The apartment was modest, but had a spectacular view. She loved curling up on the couch with him at the end of a long day – he was usually dozing, he fought hard to stay on a Titan-like schedule despite the sheer impossibility of it. There was a view – obstructed, they weren’t that wealthy – of the Imperial Legislature building, and just a sliver of the Palace – and it had felt like she was a part of something grand, something amazing.

Right now, she felt sick. She hated the view, hated the city, hated the whole gorram planet – and especially the moon hanging in the sky.

“But it’s good – I mean, he felt sure he’d get better. That’s good, right?”

Inna beat her head against the glass. “Day, I want him to get better. I want him to get completely healed. And I hope in the process he realizes what an awful world this is. What an awful place, with awful people. I want him to get healed and stay away.”

Danae blinked. “I thought…did you…I thought you loved….”

Inna laughed, bitterly. “I love him so much, Day…I love him more than oxygen. And I failed him. Gods, I failed him. He deserves so much better than this. A pet, a curiosity – he’s far better than any of us. And far better than me.”

* * *

The first tenth of a league, Ammer and Thio didn’t say much. Ammer knew his dad would lead; his dad was very good at this. He’d learned, eventually, that he wasn’t going to be able to hide things from his father. And frankly…he didn’t want to.

“Did I ever tell you,” Thio said, “about my owners before Ammera Tam adopted me?”

“You told me they were abusive,” Ammer said.

“That’s an understatement,” Thio said. “It was after the third broken leg that the vet initiated the seizure proceedings. That wasn’t the worst of it – they just didn’t know how to treat broken legs. Not like burns.”

They walked on in silence a bit further.

“Who hurt you, Ammer?” Thio asked, quietly.

“Inna’s mom,” Ammer said. “Didn’t like the idea of her daughter dating a human. Came very close…well, put it this way – I’m here to get treatment for PTSD. But nothing like what you went through. Just one very bad moment.”

“Don’t downplay one very bad moment,” Thio said. “Sometimes one bad moment can be more shocking and damaging than extended abuse. And the opposite is true, as well. Minds are strange. I’ve been studying them for decades, and that’s the truest thing I can say about them. I’ll get you in to see Garel, she’s the best in Atlantis at dealing with PTSD, and she owes me a favor. But Ammer…you could have gotten in to see Garel without going through me. Hells, Sen. Tarsuss would’ve brought Garel to you. Why did you come see me first?”

“Well, first, you’re my dad, and second, because Garel learned everything she knows from you. But mostly…because there’s something I did that I don’t understand, and…it’s not PTSD-related. I just…you know me better than anyone save maybe Inna.”

“I can’t treat you, Ammer, for that very reason.”

“Not treatment I’m after, Dad. Just…I lost my temper with her. When she had me in a vice grip, she threatened to kill me…and I told her to go ahead and fucking do it already. And I don’t understand why.”

Thio looked thoughtful, and gave his son just a hint of a smile. “Interesting. Not your style, really, but to be fair, under stress, your adrenaline starts pumping. A belligerent response, even in the face of death – not unusual.”

“It wasn’t that,” Ammer said, shaking his head. “No, I…I wasn’t out of control. I was angry, but I wasn’t overwhelmed by it. I remember it very clearly. And….”

He took a couple deep breaths. “Too clearly,” he said, with a rueful laugh. “But no…I was calling her bluff. And there wasn’t a bluff to call.”

“Yes there was,” Thio said. “Or you wouldn’t be here.”

They walked on in silence for a bit more. “Do you ever think,” Ammer said, “that it can’t be done? That the size difference is too much? That…that no matter how much people might want it…that we can’t be integrated into the Empire?”

“Of course,” said Thio. “Avalon works because it’s designed to work – and not incidentally, because of a lot of mistakes and disasters and horrific failures that got us to this point. But we’re sealed off, in our own little bubble. The same is true of Earth, of course, only moreso. Can it work when we try to integrate? It’s an open question, I suppose, but you’ve lived in Tuaut for a decade now. You haven’t had to come home before now. And you’ve never been equal there. Not even close. So once there’s equality….”

“…a mother-in-law will still be able to kill a human without exerting herself. Without breaking a sweat,” Ammer said.

Thio nodded. “Firearms are restricted within city limits, but if I had one on me, I could shoot you dead without exerting myself. Without breaking a sweat,” he said. “What prevents me, other than my love for you and basic morality, is that I would go to jail for it. But you know that. You’ve made that argument to me, many times. That’s not what you’re worried about. You aren’t worried about whether we can integrate with the Empire.”

“Really. And what am I worried about, then?”

“I should think it’s obvious. You’re worried about whether you can integrate with Inna. Whether you can be an equal partner to her. You’re worried that you lost a certain je ne sais quoi when you were assaulted.”

“What now?”

“Je ne sais quoi. French. An Earth language.”

“I know what French is. What does it mean?”

“’I don’t know what.’”

“Why’d you say it?”

Thio chuckled. “That’s what it means – ‘I don’t know what.’”

“Oh,” Ammer said, chuckling. “Almost a bad comedy sketch there.”

“Almost,” Thio said.

They had reached the bakery.

“Yeah,” Ammer said, as they were about to go in. “That’s what I’m worried about.”

“Well,” said Thio, holding the door for his son, “you should be.”

* * *

“So,” the man at the door said. “My wandering sister returns.”

“Hello, Utu,” Xene said.

“Stopping here before you work up the courage to go up the road to mat and pat?”

“Stopping here to talk, if you have time.”

“I don’t,” Utu said. “Got weeding to do.”

“I know how to weed, Utu. I can help.”

Utu Lektas blinked at that; his sister had always despised weeding. Said it was what drove her off of Nuvokorafia.

“You aren’t really dressed for it.”

“I brought work clothes.”

Utu raised his eyebrows. “Well, come on in and change then.”

As he ushered her in, Xene looked down, and it was her turn for surprise. “Is that…what happened to your arm!?”

“Got it caught in a harvester. Took it off just above the elbow. By the time I got to the hospital, they decided just to take it off at the shoulder and redo the whole thing.”

“But…why didn’t you get it regrown? Why the artificial one?”

Utu laughed. “Xee, you grew up here. You know why. You think I had time to travel to Kaeda to get a cloned arm? It was the harvest. ‘Sides, had this for a year, hasn’t bothered me much,” he said, flexing the hand.

“A year…why didn’t you tell me?”

“We haven’t talked,” Utu said, shrugging. “Last time we talked was two years ago, when you brought the kids out for a visit.”

“I’m sorry,” Xene said.

“Are you now.”

“Yes,” Xene said, looking at her older brother. “I really am sorry.”

Utu looked at his sister, and raised his eyebrows a bit. “I know you said you was going through a tough one. You’re good and rattled, ain’t ya?”

“Yes,” she said. “Yes I am.”

Utu shook his head. “Well, get changed. Let’s get a move on.”